


AITA? Shakespeare's King John edition

by themummersfolly



Category: King John - Shakespeare
Genre: Gen, aita subreddit format, everybody's an AH, except Hubert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28231863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themummersfolly/pseuds/themummersfolly
Summary: An assortment of characters from The Life and Death of King John question their decisions. They bring their cases before an audience of fictional Redditors for judgement.
Relationships: Hubert de Burgh & Arthur Plantagenet, John I of England/stupid power games, Philip Faulconbridge & Duke of Austria, Philippe Auguste/bad decisions
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3
Collections: Histories Ficathon XI





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OldShrewsburyian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldShrewsburyian/gifts).



Hubert: AITA for letting my boss think I did a job he asked me to do?

Ok, so, background. I work as a go-fer/personal assistant for this guy and his family’s business, and things can get pretty crazy at times, but this takes the cake.

So about a month ago, my boss put me in charge of a high-profile prisoner. It’s actually his nephew, who was suing for a larger share of the family business, but that’s another story and doesn’t really involve me. I was just tasked with taking care of him, making sure he didn’t escape, etc. And when my boss gave me this assignment, he laid out some pretty heavy hints that he wants this kid gone. Like he never straight up said it, but he kept talking about how it would be best for everybody if this kid was out of the way, how convenient it would be if something happened to him, how he trusted me to make this problem go away. And doing the thing like he expects me to elaborate or something. So I’m like, sure, whatever, I’ll do it. I’ve done this guy’s dirty work before, it sucks but if I don’t someone else will, you know?

Anyway, I get to the assignment and the kid’s like twelve. Seriously, I thought he’d at least be old enough to drive. And he’s a sweet kid, too, I don’t know how he can be related to my boss. I mean, I had a migraine on the job and he held my hair back when I puked. What twelve year old does that?

So the time comes to finish the job, and I can’t. The kid’s freaking out cause he figured out what’s happening, I’m freaking out cause seriously, who orders a hit on a middleschooler? If it weren’t for my job, I’d be ready to adopt this kid myself. And I know it’s corny to say I got personally attached, but I did and this kid don’t deserve this. So I give up, give the kid a hug, and tell him I’ll figure something out because I may be morally bankrupt but I’m not “killing little kids” morally bankrupt.

Of course this means I’m risking my job and also the wrath of a guy who thinks offing little kids is ok. So here’s where I might be the asshole. After our little heart-to-heart, I went and told my boss the job was done, kid’s dead, etc. Like, he’s not, I stashed him somewhere safe, but I figure he’s got a better chance of having a normal life if his crazy uncle isn’t gunning for him, you know? And my boss. Flips out. Apparently he changed his mind at some point and made some deal contingent on letting the kid go, and now that’s going to fall apart because of, and I’m quoting here, “what I did.” Like, bitch, I got a paper trail saying what you wanted and how you wanted it done, but I’m just supposed to guess if you want something different? He keeps yelling at me and won’t let me get a word in edgewise, and I kind of don’t care, cause the less he knows about the kid, the less he can hurt him, but at the same time, if this deal he made falls through all hell’s gonna break loose, and he’s probably going to lose the company. So AITA? Should I tell him the truth, or should I just tell him to go fuck himself?

Edit: Wow did not expect this to blow up, thanks for the awards!


	2. Chapter 2

Philip the Bastard: AITA for picking a fight with the guy that killed my dad?

What’s up Reddit. I ran into this guy when I was with my uncle at a meeting. (EDIT: yes, I knew it was him. Everybody knows it was him. He didn’t exactly make a secret of it.) He’s kind of a blowhard, and I’m already pissed that he’s there. Anyway, somebody makes a snarky comment at him and he says something like I wish somebody in my own weight class would say that to me. And I’m like, sounds like me. So I parrot back what that lady said to him, and he shuts right up. So much for being a tough guy, right? I keep doing it until my uncle tells me to knock it off, and the guy never retaliates, but I can tell he wants to. Like he looks like his head’s gonna explode right there in the conference room. I don’t feel bad about taking him down a couple notches, and if he’s got it coming from anyone, it’s coming from me. But after we left my grandma said I should have just let it go, especially because we were in a political meeting and all.

EDIT: No, I didn’t have a relationship with my father. He had an affair with my mom while her husband was deployed and I didn’t find out about it until I was in my twenties.

EDIT 2: So I ran into the guy again, I figured I’d try out some of the talking points you guys suggested, and one thing led to another and I ended up cutting his head off. Made my grandma happy.


	3. Chapter 3

Philippe Auguste: Je Suis Le Connard?

I broke two major treaties in as many days and I had legitimate reasons for it, but now I’m wondering if I was the asshole?

Sorry for the format this is my first time posting.

A few days ago a family friend, C, called in a favor for her late husband on behalf of their son, A (13M). His uncle, J, didn’t even wait until C’s husband was cold in his grave to yank the inheritance right out from under A, and they needed help getting it back since A is underage. So like any good friend would, I called up my son, L, and my neighbor A (shoot I’m running out of initials) and we went over there to sort things out. J and his mom are waiting for us and things get pretty heated without making any progress. I was ready to throw down for A (C’s son, not the other one) but then somebody suggested we could settle this peacefully, like adults, with an arranged marriage, my son with J’s niece (A’s cousin). Which kinda leaves A hanging, but this whole thing was turning out to be expensive and a lot more than I expected, and dammit, I didn’t sign up to bankrupt myself. So we do what’s best for everyone, C’s furious, but I figured she’d eventually come round and then I’d help her and A get set up somewhere quiet. And anyway L and his new wife seemed really happy and she couldn’t even chill out for their wedding day, she crashed the reception to yell at me. Like I know it’s tough being a single mom and all, but my kid just got married, can’t she at least be happy for them? Besides, I know I made a commitment to her, but now I have a new one to J that’s much more advantageous, so that has to take priority. And we’d just about got her to understand that (I thought) when in walks an emissary from the pope (P). And of course the pope’s got a bone to pick with J over something I had no idea about, I still don’t really understand what it was about, and quite frankly it could be any number of things because J’s constantly stirring things up with the church but whatever it was immediately got lost because two minutes into the conversation J tells P to piss off back to Rome and P excommunicates J. And then says he’ll do the same to me if I don’t break things off with J. Like I know I just made a commitment, but this is excommunication. Not only is my eternal soul at stake, but if the church starts withholding the sacraments there could be riots and the economy would tank. My son tells me to do what P says, my daughter-in-law says to stick to my guns, C is suddenly my new best friend and J has my hand in a literal vice-grip like that’s what’s going to hold this treaty together. What was I supposed to do? I had to do what was best for everybody. P would have kicked me out of the church if I hadn’t agreed to cut ties. But now I’m wondering if I was in the wrong at some point, especially since it seems like we’re back to square one.

Edit: I am now seriously doubting my judgement. J was pissed and we’re at war now, A (my neighbor) is dead and A (C’s son) is missing, we think captured. I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to C...

Edit: Ok ok I get it I’m the AH. C made that very clear when she had me drive her to the ER for an emergency psych eval. Thank you all for your votes I will be removing this post as soon as I get back from the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4

King John: AITA for just trying to secure my throne?

Throwaway bc some of my barons are on here and I don’t want them blowing up my inbox.

Some backstory: I rule this fairly extensive kingdom in western Europe, and while my subjects have every reason to acknowledge my justly derived right to the crown, I am the youngest sibling, one of my brothers, R, ruled for a few years before me and another brother, G, had a son that R made his heir or something. Obv when R passed away (God rest his soul) we skipped over that part of his will, since G’s son was underage and I’m much more qualified to wear the crown. G’s widow got all bent out of shape, but my mom backed me up (I’m so lucky to have her, she’s always had my back). We took G’s son into protective custody, made a pretty nice alliance with our rival country, and were just starting to get things back on track, or so I thought.

To celebrate how well things were going, I decided to treat myself and hold a second coronation. A little flamboyant, ok, but I felt like I deserved it and it would put to rest all these rumors about a “rival claimant” and all. Literally the same day people start talking about how G’s kid is dead and I had him killed. I totally didn’t—I mean, I may have mentioned how convenient it would be if he just died and saved us the trouble, but how was I supposed to know my servants would take a few harmless comments so seriously? But of course my barons didn’t want to hear this, they got all huffy and stormed out. And then I find out that the country to the south has invaded and everybody wants to side with them for no reason. Like, they’re our rivals and they wouldn’t even be mad at us if the freaking pope hadn’t tried to butt in and micromanage MY country! But now everybody’s turning on me and saying I’m the asshole, even though I didn’t do anything!

EDIT 1: Everybody keeps asking what happened with the pope. He got mad that I revoked the tax-exempt status for a bunch of archbishoprics. I very calmly explained to his legate that it was none of the pope’s business, and he blew up, said I was excommunicated, and then started trying to break up my brand-new alliance with France! Which of course worked because their king is a weenie. 

EDIT 2: Stop telling me to look up Thomas Becket. I already know about him. What does that incident have to do with G’s son?

EDIT 3: To everyone who called me the AH, I hope you’re happy. I made up with the papal legate just so he’d tell France to knock it off, which he did but the dauphin wouldn’t even listen to him! Said it was “too late for that” and the people had “already accepted him as king,” whatever that means. So now not only do I have to deal with that, but I think I’ve been poisoned, probably by some monk who’s still mad about the tax-exempt thing. This whole day has been ruined. Thanks for nothing.


End file.
